~*~ Sick as a Dog ~*~

Well, I haven't been sick since January, but boy is this cold making up for it.  I knew it was inevitable...after all, I spend half my day M-F outside in the wind/rain/40-degree temps.  It's bound to take a toll on a person.  But I was really hoping that I could make it to winter break w/o any real sickness, then use that time to recharge my batteries for the second semester.

Actually, as far as colds go this one is moving quite quick.  I'm already on the runny nose and wet cough stage, which means I only have the stuffed up stage and the dry cough stage to go.  But something is wrong with me....my throat is burning.  Not sore, like a normal sore throat, but actually burning.  As if I've drunk poison or acid or something.  Breathing hurts as the air passes down my larynx or whatever.  And drinking acidic beverages (such as orange or grapefruit juice, which is supposed to fill me with vitamin C and help me get better, right?) only makes it hurt more.  I've also been sneezing blood.  I'm sure this is TMI for most of you, but I'm really kind of concerned.  I probably should go see a doctor, but I'd have to find one who is in my insurance network and who has an appointment tomorrow before I have to go to work.  *sigh*

Anyway, that's the thing that is foremost on my mind.  Other things include Thanksgiving, Christmas stress, coworker tension, and Trent news.  However, I will wait until I'm feeling a little better before getting into all of that.  Hope you are all well.

~*~ Rocky Road ~*~

So there has been an incredible amount of drama in my romantic life.  I've been trying to keep it under wraps, hoping that it would go away on its own.  Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case.  Here's a brief summary of what's been happening.

I mentioned in my last entry that the distance has not been good for Trent and me.  It really hasn't.  We fight all the time now.  You could say that the fights are mostly my fault, because I'm the one who gets upset and then starts the fight.  However, I feel that I am completely justified in being upset.  Things like him being 2 hours late or making me wait an hour for his call because he's soaking in the bath tub or not wanting to kiss me/let me kiss him/hang out with me at the bakery when he's up here for a visit.  We spend so little time together, and during the time that we do spend together he is cranky and always wanting to take a nap.  It really makes me angry sometimes.

So we fight and fight and fight....we've nearly broken up like 5 times already.  In fact, there was a moment a few weeks ago where I think we were technically broken up for a few minutes because he was like, "See ya" and grabbed his keys and started to walk out the door.  Most recently I was trying to get us to talk about our issues and how to solve them and he was like, "Maybe we should take a break...it'll give us a chance to clear our heads and see things clearly."  I was like, "No, I don't do breaks, breaks are a prelude to a break-up.  Couples who take breaks usually don't get back together."  He's like, "Maybe that's for the best."  I mean, is he trying to break up with me or what?

Sometimes I think I must be the stupidest girl in the world.  But I love Trent.  I love him and so I put myself through this.  Being without him kills me.  Imagining what it would be like if we broke up and I could no longer talk to him or see him or kiss him kills me.  I think I am getting so upset all the time because I want him HERE with me, I want him to WANT to be here with me, and I want him to be unafraid of lasting commitment to me.  I want to know that he is as miserable as I am, and that he misses me, and that he needs me as much as I need him.  Is that so much to ask?

We've decided to go to couples counseling.  Our first session is on the 8th. It seems so far away.  There was actually an issue with the insurance and for a moment I thought I was going to have to pay $250 out of pocket for the annual deductible before able able to do the co-pay, and when I brought that up Trent was like, "Maybe we should just wait until next year so that we don't have to pay the deductible for this year and then pay it again in January."  I was like, "If we don't start soon, we might not make it to next year."  There was a huge silence after that.  (Fortunately, there was a mixup and in fact I only have to do the $10 co-pay.)

This past Saturday night I drove down to Salem after Chris' housewarming party so that Trent and I could have one day together.  It was so good to see him again.  When I pulled into the driveway, he came out to my car and we just held each other for several minutes in the driveway, just hugging and not saying anything, not even kissing.  I needed that.  It was so nice lying next to him on the trampoline and having breakfast together and going for a walk at the Ankeny wildlife refuge (where we saw a great horned owl perched in a tree).  When I'm with him, I'm better.

So that's what's been going on with me.  All of the drama has drained me of energy.  I've gotten little sleep since last Wednesday because I'd be up until midnight or later, crying.  It has worn me out, and I'm feeling it at work.  The kids can feel it, too, I think.  I really don't want for this to affect my whole life, you know?  So here's to counseling, may it help us reach the best possible solution.