~*~ Sick as a Dog ~*~

Well, I haven't been sick since January, but boy is this cold making up for it.  I knew it was inevitable...after all, I spend half my day M-F outside in the wind/rain/40-degree temps.  It's bound to take a toll on a person.  But I was really hoping that I could make it to winter break w/o any real sickness, then use that time to recharge my batteries for the second semester.

Actually, as far as colds go this one is moving quite quick.  I'm already on the runny nose and wet cough stage, which means I only have the stuffed up stage and the dry cough stage to go.  But something is wrong with me....my throat is burning.  Not sore, like a normal sore throat, but actually burning.  As if I've drunk poison or acid or something.  Breathing hurts as the air passes down my larynx or whatever.  And drinking acidic beverages (such as orange or grapefruit juice, which is supposed to fill me with vitamin C and help me get better, right?) only makes it hurt more.  I've also been sneezing blood.  I'm sure this is TMI for most of you, but I'm really kind of concerned.  I probably should go see a doctor, but I'd have to find one who is in my insurance network and who has an appointment tomorrow before I have to go to work.  *sigh*

Anyway, that's the thing that is foremost on my mind.  Other things include Thanksgiving, Christmas stress, coworker tension, and Trent news.  However, I will wait until I'm feeling a little better before getting into all of that.  Hope you are all well.

~*~ Rocky Road ~*~

So there has been an incredible amount of drama in my romantic life.  I've been trying to keep it under wraps, hoping that it would go away on its own.  Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case.  Here's a brief summary of what's been happening.

I mentioned in my last entry that the distance has not been good for Trent and me.  It really hasn't.  We fight all the time now.  You could say that the fights are mostly my fault, because I'm the one who gets upset and then starts the fight.  However, I feel that I am completely justified in being upset.  Things like him being 2 hours late or making me wait an hour for his call because he's soaking in the bath tub or not wanting to kiss me/let me kiss him/hang out with me at the bakery when he's up here for a visit.  We spend so little time together, and during the time that we do spend together he is cranky and always wanting to take a nap.  It really makes me angry sometimes.

So we fight and fight and fight....we've nearly broken up like 5 times already.  In fact, there was a moment a few weeks ago where I think we were technically broken up for a few minutes because he was like, "See ya" and grabbed his keys and started to walk out the door.  Most recently I was trying to get us to talk about our issues and how to solve them and he was like, "Maybe we should take a break...it'll give us a chance to clear our heads and see things clearly."  I was like, "No, I don't do breaks, breaks are a prelude to a break-up.  Couples who take breaks usually don't get back together."  He's like, "Maybe that's for the best."  I mean, is he trying to break up with me or what?

Sometimes I think I must be the stupidest girl in the world.  But I love Trent.  I love him and so I put myself through this.  Being without him kills me.  Imagining what it would be like if we broke up and I could no longer talk to him or see him or kiss him kills me.  I think I am getting so upset all the time because I want him HERE with me, I want him to WANT to be here with me, and I want him to be unafraid of lasting commitment to me.  I want to know that he is as miserable as I am, and that he misses me, and that he needs me as much as I need him.  Is that so much to ask?

We've decided to go to couples counseling.  Our first session is on the 8th. It seems so far away.  There was actually an issue with the insurance and for a moment I thought I was going to have to pay $250 out of pocket for the annual deductible before able able to do the co-pay, and when I brought that up Trent was like, "Maybe we should just wait until next year so that we don't have to pay the deductible for this year and then pay it again in January."  I was like, "If we don't start soon, we might not make it to next year."  There was a huge silence after that.  (Fortunately, there was a mixup and in fact I only have to do the $10 co-pay.)

This past Saturday night I drove down to Salem after Chris' housewarming party so that Trent and I could have one day together.  It was so good to see him again.  When I pulled into the driveway, he came out to my car and we just held each other for several minutes in the driveway, just hugging and not saying anything, not even kissing.  I needed that.  It was so nice lying next to him on the trampoline and having breakfast together and going for a walk at the Ankeny wildlife refuge (where we saw a great horned owl perched in a tree).  When I'm with him, I'm better.

So that's what's been going on with me.  All of the drama has drained me of energy.  I've gotten little sleep since last Wednesday because I'd be up until midnight or later, crying.  It has worn me out, and I'm feeling it at work.  The kids can feel it, too, I think.  I really don't want for this to affect my whole life, you know?  So here's to counseling, may it help us reach the best possible solution.

~*~ Home Sweet Home ~*~

[August 27, 2009]

It's been a while.  Trust me, my life has been super crazy...it's not like I've simply been absent out of laziness.

I am writing from my new apartment in Portland.  I've been here for 3 days now.  My official move-in date was the 19th, but that was the day after I got back from Utah and I had absolutely nothing packed.  I guess I should start there, huh?

So from the 13th to the 18th I was out of town.  Let me tell you, I am never again driving to Utah or any other place that is more than 10 hours.  It was ridiculous.  We left at about 8:30am and got to his cousin's house in Salt Lake City at about 1am the following day (granted, Utah is one hour ahead of Oregon, so it was really midnight).  Talk about a long day.  Trent did ALL the driving...I was so sure that he was going to make me do at least some of the driving, but he volunteered to drive the whole way.

Of course, the late arrival made us have a late start.  We basically didn't leave the house until after noon.  That of course meant that we didn't have a lot of time to do all of the things that we wanted to do.  We hit up the state capitol first...it was kind of interesting.  After that we walked down the hill to Temple Square.  We ended up taking the cable car to the mall for lunch because we were super hungry, then visited the conference center.  I wanted to go and see the botanical gardens and the natural history museum, but by the time we got over there it was going to close in like a half an hour.  Boo.  So we went up to the Big Cottonwood canyon instead...we stopped about halfway up to take pix of the creek and to dip our feet into the water.  Unfortunately, we discovered that his car was overheating and the radiator fluid was literally boiling.  So we decided not to go all the way up to the top.  It was totally a day of disappointment.

Saturday we drove down to the Arches National Park near the town of Moab in southern Utah.  The road was long, there was virtually no scenery (that's the desert for you), and it was f-ing hot (Trent has no AC in the car).  We were pleasantly surprised, though, to find that on that particular weekend all national parks were free admission.  It was a pretty cool place, but Idk if I'd ever go back there.  The red rocks were gorgeous, but they look the same on the postcard.  I think I was particularly grouchy because Trent lied to me about the hike to the Delicate Arch.  He's like, "It's short, it's easy, elderly people do it."  LIAR!!!!  It was 3 miles roundtrip, uphill both ways (but going was more uphill than returning).  There was actually a point where I had to stop because I was huffing and when I turned back to look, the parking lot was a little speck.

After the park we drove a little ways to this campground right on the Colorado River.  The sun was basically down by the time we got there, so we had to set up camp in the dark.  We were so exhausted.

Sunday we drove back up to Trent's old stomping grounds in Provo and Orem.  We had a bbq at his friend Justin's house, which is really more like a halfway house.  I'm sorry, but his friends really scared me.  I'm sure they're great people, but first impressions count for a lot and they did not make a very good one on me.  They were crude, wild, vulgar, lots of tattoos and shaved heads and piercings, etc.  The house was dirty...flies everywhere.

[August 31, 2009]

See?  I didn't even have time to write my whole blog.  Anyway, after the bbq Trent and I drove up the Provo Canyon to watch the sunset.  It was quite beautiful, but very cold.  Evenings in the desert are frigid.

Monday we checked out of the motel, had lunch with his friend Justin, and then drove back to SLC to relax, do some laundry, and get ready for the wedding.  The wedding reception was not what I was expecting...the venue was beautiful but there was no food (only a dessert buffet) and the music kind of blew (all reggae-ish, no slow songs).  And because we were expecting food, we were starving!!!  Afterwards we had to find a Carl's Jr. and ordered a ton of food.

Tuesday morning we drove back and the most exciting thing to happen to us on that trip (though I sincerely wish that it hadn't) was that we got pulled over for speeding.  It was way out in eastern Oregon, where the cops have nothing better to do than nab you for going 11 over.  Fortunately, the trooper was a nice guy and I gave him the puppy face and so he let us go with a warning.  Oh, and in case you are wondering, I was not driving.

We got back late Wednesday night (like 10pm) and early the next morning I had to get up, do tutoring, then drive up to P-town to pick up my keys.  Then began the process of packing and moving.  There was a whole ordeal involving the burly men that I had to borrow in order to move my heavy furniture, but I won't go into that.  Let's just say it was all very exhausting, emotionally AND physically.

Since last Monday I've been in my new apartment, steadily unpacking and arranging things.  It sucks because the apartment is a 2 bed, 1.5 bath, but it feels smaller than my old apartment (probably because the storage situation SUCKS and so a lot of my things are currently sitting in piles on the floor).  My old apartment had tons of closet space and lots of shelves and cabinets...this apartment is seriously lacking in that department.  But it's coming along, and I hope to be fully moved in by the end of the week.

Last weekend I went back to Salem...mostly to see Trent, but also because I have to take care of my old apartment for the move-out inspection.  Sometimes Idk what I'm going to do with Trent....the boy took it upon himself to basically clean up my apartment while I was gone.  He spackled all of the holes and touched up the paint and scrubbed things and vacuumed and did all kinds of other stuff.  It was a real surprise.  This meant that we had a lot more time to do fun stuff, like go to the State Fair.  We spent like 9.5 hours there.  It was fun!  We saw all the animals and I got to touch an alligator and a snake and a wallaby.  We rode the ferris wheel (and made out while stuck at the top).  We took photos in one of those booths (you know, the ones that give you four shots), which was something I'd never done before.  It was fun.  Then on Sunday we did some cleaning in the morning, went to church, had dinner with his dad, then did some more cleaning before I had to return to Portland.

The long-distance is killing me.  I get so mopey....every time I hear a love song or see something romantic on TV I get all teary-eyed.  Today I was watching this episode of Dance Your Ass Off where the contestants got a surprise visit from their family and I started to cry.  Yen and I were talking about it on the phone last weekend and I started to cry.  Basically I just cry all the time now.  It's pretty pathetic.  I really wish he were here in P-town...not necessarily living with me if he's not ready for that, but at least in the same town so that we can see each other.  He's coming up this Thursday and I'm counting the days.  Long-distance relationships suck.

Today was the first day of orientation at work.  I had a brief meeting thing last Friday to do paperwork and the like, and I got to meet all of the new aides.  However, today I got to meet the full team.  Mostly girls, as is expected in this field.  It's a fairly international group...we have aides from France, Belgium, Mexico, and Romania (and the US, of course).  Everyone seems really nice, though some people are more approachable than others.  What's pretty awesome is that we are working in pairs, and they managed to have each new aide paired with a returning aide.  I am paired with this girl named Caroline, who is French.  We are doing afterschool care for the 2nd and 3rd graders.  I think our recess duties are the same as well, but I'm not sure.  I know that I have to do lunches for one elementary class and one middle school class, and I have a lot of recess duty.  Anyway, I'm excited about being paired with a Française because it will definitely help me to keep up my French.

I have much more orientation/training to go through before I can fully understand my job, so I'll let you know more when I know more.  But I'm really looking forward to this experience and I'm also kind of scared at the same time.  Here's to a new beginning!

~*~ Sick as a Dog ~*~

Well, I haven't been sick since January, but boy is this cold making up for it.  I knew it was inevitable...after all, I spend half my day M-F outside in the wind/rain/40-degree temps.  It's bound to take a toll on a person.  But I was really hoping that I could make it to winter break w/o any real sickness, then use that time to recharge my batteries for the second semester.

Actually, as far as colds go this one is moving quite quick.  I'm already on the runny nose and wet cough stage, which means I only have the stuffed up stage and the dry cough stage to go.  But something is wrong with me....my throat is burning.  Not sore, like a normal sore throat, but actually burning.  As if I've drunk poison or acid or something.  Breathing hurts as the air passes down my larynx or whatever.  And drinking acidic beverages (such as orange or grapefruit juice, which is supposed to fill me with vitamin C and help me get better, right?) only makes it hurt more.  I've also been sneezing blood.  I'm sure this is TMI for most of you, but I'm really kind of concerned.  I probably should go see a doctor, but I'd have to find one who is in my insurance network and who has an appointment tomorrow before I have to go to work.  *sigh*

Anyway, that's the thing that is foremost on my mind.  Other things include Thanksgiving, Christmas stress, coworker tension, and Trent news.  However, I will wait until I'm feeling a little better before getting into all of that.  Hope you are all well.

~*~ Rocky Road ~*~

So there has been an incredible amount of drama in my romantic life.  I've been trying to keep it under wraps, hoping that it would go away on its own.  Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case.  Here's a brief summary of what's been happening.

I mentioned in my last entry that the distance has not been good for Trent and me.  It really hasn't.  We fight all the time now.  You could say that the fights are mostly my fault, because I'm the one who gets upset and then starts the fight.  However, I feel that I am completely justified in being upset.  Things like him being 2 hours late or making me wait an hour for his call because he's soaking in the bath tub or not wanting to kiss me/let me kiss him/hang out with me at the bakery when he's up here for a visit.  We spend so little time together, and during the time that we do spend together he is cranky and always wanting to take a nap.  It really makes me angry sometimes.

So we fight and fight and fight....we've nearly broken up like 5 times already.  In fact, there was a moment a few weeks ago where I think we were technically broken up for a few minutes because he was like, "See ya" and grabbed his keys and started to walk out the door.  Most recently I was trying to get us to talk about our issues and how to solve them and he was like, "Maybe we should take a break...it'll give us a chance to clear our heads and see things clearly."  I was like, "No, I don't do breaks, breaks are a prelude to a break-up.  Couples who take breaks usually don't get back together."  He's like, "Maybe that's for the best."  I mean, is he trying to break up with me or what?

Sometimes I think I must be the stupidest girl in the world.  But I love Trent.  I love him and so I put myself through this.  Being without him kills me.  Imagining what it would be like if we broke up and I could no longer talk to him or see him or kiss him kills me.  I think I am getting so upset all the time because I want him HERE with me, I want him to WANT to be here with me, and I want him to be unafraid of lasting commitment to me.  I want to know that he is as miserable as I am, and that he misses me, and that he needs me as much as I need him.  Is that so much to ask?

We've decided to go to couples counseling.  Our first session is on the 8th. It seems so far away.  There was actually an issue with the insurance and for a moment I thought I was going to have to pay $250 out of pocket for the annual deductible before able able to do the co-pay, and when I brought that up Trent was like, "Maybe we should just wait until next year so that we don't have to pay the deductible for this year and then pay it again in January."  I was like, "If we don't start soon, we might not make it to next year."  There was a huge silence after that.  (Fortunately, there was a mixup and in fact I only have to do the $10 co-pay.)

This past Saturday night I drove down to Salem after Chris' housewarming party so that Trent and I could have one day together.  It was so good to see him again.  When I pulled into the driveway, he came out to my car and we just held each other for several minutes in the driveway, just hugging and not saying anything, not even kissing.  I needed that.  It was so nice lying next to him on the trampoline and having breakfast together and going for a walk at the Ankeny wildlife refuge (where we saw a great horned owl perched in a tree).  When I'm with him, I'm better.

So that's what's been going on with me.  All of the drama has drained me of energy.  I've gotten little sleep since last Wednesday because I'd be up until midnight or later, crying.  It has worn me out, and I'm feeling it at work.  The kids can feel it, too, I think.  I really don't want for this to affect my whole life, you know?  So here's to counseling, may it help us reach the best possible solution.

~*~ Home Sweet Home ~*~

[August 27, 2009]

It's been a while.  Trust me, my life has been super crazy...it's not like I've simply been absent out of laziness.

I am writing from my new apartment in Portland.  I've been here for 3 days now.  My official move-in date was the 19th, but that was the day after I got back from Utah and I had absolutely nothing packed.  I guess I should start there, huh?

So from the 13th to the 18th I was out of town.  Let me tell you, I am never again driving to Utah or any other place that is more than 10 hours.  It was ridiculous.  We left at about 8:30am and got to his cousin's house in Salt Lake City at about 1am the following day (granted, Utah is one hour ahead of Oregon, so it was really midnight).  Talk about a long day.  Trent did ALL the driving...I was so sure that he was going to make me do at least some of the driving, but he volunteered to drive the whole way.

Of course, the late arrival made us have a late start.  We basically didn't leave the house until after noon.  That of course meant that we didn't have a lot of time to do all of the things that we wanted to do.  We hit up the state capitol first...it was kind of interesting.  After that we walked down the hill to Temple Square.  We ended up taking the cable car to the mall for lunch because we were super hungry, then visited the conference center.  I wanted to go and see the botanical gardens and the natural history museum, but by the time we got over there it was going to close in like a half an hour.  Boo.  So we went up to the Big Cottonwood canyon instead...we stopped about halfway up to take pix of the creek and to dip our feet into the water.  Unfortunately, we discovered that his car was overheating and the radiator fluid was literally boiling.  So we decided not to go all the way up to the top.  It was totally a day of disappointment.

Saturday we drove down to the Arches National Park near the town of Moab in southern Utah.  The road was long, there was virtually no scenery (that's the desert for you), and it was f-ing hot (Trent has no AC in the car).  We were pleasantly surprised, though, to find that on that particular weekend all national parks were free admission.  It was a pretty cool place, but Idk if I'd ever go back there.  The red rocks were gorgeous, but they look the same on the postcard.  I think I was particularly grouchy because Trent lied to me about the hike to the Delicate Arch.  He's like, "It's short, it's easy, elderly people do it."  LIAR!!!!  It was 3 miles roundtrip, uphill both ways (but going was more uphill than returning).  There was actually a point where I had to stop because I was huffing and when I turned back to look, the parking lot was a little speck.

After the park we drove a little ways to this campground right on the Colorado River.  The sun was basically down by the time we got there, so we had to set up camp in the dark.  We were so exhausted.

Sunday we drove back up to Trent's old stomping grounds in Provo and Orem.  We had a bbq at his friend Justin's house, which is really more like a halfway house.  I'm sorry, but his friends really scared me.  I'm sure they're great people, but first impressions count for a lot and they did not make a very good one on me.  They were crude, wild, vulgar, lots of tattoos and shaved heads and piercings, etc.  The house was dirty...flies everywhere.

[August 31, 2009]

See?  I didn't even have time to write my whole blog.  Anyway, after the bbq Trent and I drove up the Provo Canyon to watch the sunset.  It was quite beautiful, but very cold.  Evenings in the desert are frigid.

Monday we checked out of the motel, had lunch with his friend Justin, and then drove back to SLC to relax, do some laundry, and get ready for the wedding.  The wedding reception was not what I was expecting...the venue was beautiful but there was no food (only a dessert buffet) and the music kind of blew (all reggae-ish, no slow songs).  And because we were expecting food, we were starving!!!  Afterwards we had to find a Carl's Jr. and ordered a ton of food.

Tuesday morning we drove back and the most exciting thing to happen to us on that trip (though I sincerely wish that it hadn't) was that we got pulled over for speeding.  It was way out in eastern Oregon, where the cops have nothing better to do than nab you for going 11 over.  Fortunately, the trooper was a nice guy and I gave him the puppy face and so he let us go with a warning.  Oh, and in case you are wondering, I was not driving.

We got back late Wednesday night (like 10pm) and early the next morning I had to get up, do tutoring, then drive up to P-town to pick up my keys.  Then began the process of packing and moving.  There was a whole ordeal involving the burly men that I had to borrow in order to move my heavy furniture, but I won't go into that.  Let's just say it was all very exhausting, emotionally AND physically.

Since last Monday I've been in my new apartment, steadily unpacking and arranging things.  It sucks because the apartment is a 2 bed, 1.5 bath, but it feels smaller than my old apartment (probably because the storage situation SUCKS and so a lot of my things are currently sitting in piles on the floor).  My old apartment had tons of closet space and lots of shelves and cabinets...this apartment is seriously lacking in that department.  But it's coming along, and I hope to be fully moved in by the end of the week.

Last weekend I went back to Salem...mostly to see Trent, but also because I have to take care of my old apartment for the move-out inspection.  Sometimes Idk what I'm going to do with Trent....the boy took it upon himself to basically clean up my apartment while I was gone.  He spackled all of the holes and touched up the paint and scrubbed things and vacuumed and did all kinds of other stuff.  It was a real surprise.  This meant that we had a lot more time to do fun stuff, like go to the State Fair.  We spent like 9.5 hours there.  It was fun!  We saw all the animals and I got to touch an alligator and a snake and a wallaby.  We rode the ferris wheel (and made out while stuck at the top).  We took photos in one of those booths (you know, the ones that give you four shots), which was something I'd never done before.  It was fun.  Then on Sunday we did some cleaning in the morning, went to church, had dinner with his dad, then did some more cleaning before I had to return to Portland.

The long-distance is killing me.  I get so mopey....every time I hear a love song or see something romantic on TV I get all teary-eyed.  Today I was watching this episode of Dance Your Ass Off where the contestants got a surprise visit from their family and I started to cry.  Yen and I were talking about it on the phone last weekend and I started to cry.  Basically I just cry all the time now.  It's pretty pathetic.  I really wish he were here in P-town...not necessarily living with me if he's not ready for that, but at least in the same town so that we can see each other.  He's coming up this Thursday and I'm counting the days.  Long-distance relationships suck.

Today was the first day of orientation at work.  I had a brief meeting thing last Friday to do paperwork and the like, and I got to meet all of the new aides.  However, today I got to meet the full team.  Mostly girls, as is expected in this field.  It's a fairly international group...we have aides from France, Belgium, Mexico, and Romania (and the US, of course).  Everyone seems really nice, though some people are more approachable than others.  What's pretty awesome is that we are working in pairs, and they managed to have each new aide paired with a returning aide.  I am paired with this girl named Caroline, who is French.  We are doing afterschool care for the 2nd and 3rd graders.  I think our recess duties are the same as well, but I'm not sure.  I know that I have to do lunches for one elementary class and one middle school class, and I have a lot of recess duty.  Anyway, I'm excited about being paired with a Française because it will definitely help me to keep up my French.

I have much more orientation/training to go through before I can fully understand my job, so I'll let you know more when I know more.  But I'm really looking forward to this experience and I'm also kind of scared at the same time.  Here's to a new beginning!