Weblog
Tuesday, 07 July 2009
-
~*~ The 4th and Fireworks ~*~
Ear Orgasm : "Falling In Love At a Coffee Shop" - Landon Pigg
Mask of the Moment : Relieved and anxious at the same time
I hope you all had a good 4th of July weekend. Mine was fairly decent. Hanging out with Anati was pretty awesome. Margaritas, homemade black bean and roasted corn salsa, girl talk, two games of Scene It (which I totally dominated!), parades, fireworks, deep-fried twinkies...pure awesomeness. I also got nice and toasty in the summer sun.
But there was some pure un-awesomeness that followed. So remember how I mentioned that Trent decided to change his weekend plans and go to Bend for 4 days w/o telling me? Well not only that, but he pretty much didn't call me all weekend long. I left him a message on Friday, and he finally called at like 10:30pm on Saturday (and at the time I was at the Independence riverfront park and it was noisy and I couldn't really talk). But I knew he was coming back on Sunday night so I didn't freak out. Monday I wait until about noon, then give him a call. Voicemail. Huh? So I leave a message asking if he wanted to hang out that day. An hour and a half later I still haven't heard from him, so I call again. Voice mail. WTF? He finally calls me back at around 2pm and informs me that his brakes had gone out the day before and because it was Sunday and 4th of July weekend to boot, he couldn't get them fixed. So he'd gotten them fixed that morning and left Bend but had to drop his friend off in Eugene, which was where he was at the time of the call. Okay, fine. I get that. But the first thing that popped into my head was, "Why didn't you call me to let me know about your brakes and to tell me that you would be spending an extra night in Bend?" I didn't say anything, though. He asked if I wanted to come over for dinner at 6 and I was happy. You have no idea how excited I was to see him. I tried on a bunch of different outfits and did my makeup, the whole nine. Then I drive over to his house....at 10 minutes to 6 I'm about 4 blocks from his house and I get a call from him. He's like, "Hey, so I haven't left yet, so it'll probably be closer to 7:30." I'm like WTF?!?!? I was PISSED. It takes about an hour and a half to get to Salem from Eugene (especially with the way he drives, grampa style) and I was not about to drive all the way back home, then come back out to his house. Not to mention that it really annoyed me that he waited until 10 minutes to 6 to tell me that he wasn't going to be there. It's like DUDE...if you haven't left by 4:30, you know you're not going to be there. Call me THEN, not 10 minutes to the hour, you know? And it's not like there's anything to do in South Salem (where he lives)...there's a Walmart and that's about it. I was in tears as I drove to the Walmart, where I sat in the parking lot for about 30 minutes until I decided that I was just too pissed to see him. So I wrote him a note telling him that I wasn't going to wait and explaining how pissed I was at him, then went home.
7:39 he calls me to say he'd gotten my note. He wanted a chance to make it up to me but I was so mad. I was like, "I'm not going to go anywhere with you, I'm busy, I'm going to be here rehearsing for my interview and you can do whatever the hell you want." So he's like, "Well I'm going to take a shower and then come over, okay?" I couldn't say no, so I said, "Whatever." 40 minutes later he's still not there. I'm like WTF?! So I call...voicemail. I call 15 minutes later...voicemail. I call again at ten to 9 and he's still not answering so I leave a message telling him that if he hadn't already left home then he shouldn't even bother because it would be well past 9 by the time he got here and that's just pointless. I was pretty harsh, because I was so upset. A shower takes 10 minutes. It takes about 15 to 20 to get to my house. So what on earth could he possibly be doing?
He finally showed up at 9:30. He'd apparently forgotten his phone at home, or so he said. I ripped into him about how he could dare to make me wait an extra hour and a half when he was already in trouble for standing me up. He's like, "I wanted to look nice and smell nice for you." I snorted..."like I care about that right now." There was a lot of crying by both parties, him trying to explain and me not wanting to listen to that crap. But it hurt me to see him tear up...he totally has puppy dog eyes (even when he's not sad) and when they're filled with tears it's really hard to stay mad. I knew that the fight was really my fault, because I overreacted and chose to let my insecurities get the best of me. Not that he didn't have his part in it, but how I chose to react was not the best way. So after 40 minutes of crying and venting and talking, he totally made me laugh. I was pissed that I laughed/smiled, but I couldn't help it. I can't stay mad at him...it's a problem. And you know, he didn't even do or say anything to make me laugh...we were just sitting face-to-face, he was holding my hand, we were looking into each other's tear-filled eyes, and then all of a sudden I just laughed. Ridiculous, right?
Once we got out of the fight zone, he gave me a gift (the nail polish that I totally coveted because it looked so good on me), then asked if he could take me to dinner on Thursday. Thursday is our 2-month anniversary, and I think it's really cute how he doesn't say, "Hey let's do something on our anniversary" but just asks if he can take me out on that day. I'm excited. All I can say is that he'd better not disappoint me.
Now on to more important news : job interview. This morning I had my interview at the MOHL for the Circulation and Stacks Supervisor position. The good news : there were over 55 applicants and I was one of 3 people to get an interview, I knew and was on good terms with pretty much everyone on the search committee, I was fairly well-prepared for the interview (balking on only one question, and this was when I met with the university librarian and NOT when I was in front of the panel for the formal interview), I know for a fact that my references gave me rave reviews, and at the end when Joni walked me out she was like, "I think this went well." The bad news : Deborah Dancik told me that this year the applicant pool was really strong and that the three of us who got interviews were "the best of the best" so to speak (meaning that my competition is super tough). I have to wait until next week to find out whether or not I got the position. So far it seems like the odds are stacked in my favor, but you never know. *crossing fingers*
Thursday, 02 July 2009
-
~*~ Summer is Here ~*~
My job is finally officially over. I am so glad. Our session adjourned sine die on Monday, one day ahead of schedule. It was a loooooong day. I was at the Capitol from before 7am until after 11pm. Fortunately, we had Tuesday off. However, I was recruited by my boss to come in after session to clean up and the like. I was actually happy for the opportunity...I'm getting paid for 4 extra days.
That'll be like $150 in my pocket for basically doing nothing. Totally cool. But today was my last day and so I am officially free of that job forever.
I've applied to two jobs. One I am not expecting to hear from for a while. I have an interview for the other next week. *crossing fingers* I honestly didn't expect to have an interview so fast, but I'm not complaining. Yes, I would have liked to have some down time this summer, but in this economy it is much more important to secure full-time, permanent employment, you know? I hope I get the job, but if I don't then I guess I'll just have to hope the other one comes through and I'll also need to keep searching for work.
This 4th of July weekend I am going to Monmouth, this super small town about 20 minutes from Salem. I'm hanging with Anati (pronounced Anna-tie)...it's going to be a blast. I'm really glad that I won't be a loser stuck at home alone like I was last year. And yes, I would have been alone if I hadn't made these plans with Anati, because Trent decided to skip town this weekend. Originally he was just going up to Portland, but last night I found out that he changed his plans and decided to go to Bend instead. And he left this morning. I guess I won't be seeing him until next week.
Things with Trent are...well, to be honest, I'm not sure how they are. There has been some drama, which I will not talk about here. Oh, and get this....the day after we had that argument about him leaving my house, I got a FB message from his mom. Yes, his mom searched for me on FB and sent me a message. It was rather long, most of it just general stuff, and then she got down to business at the end of the message.
"I know Trent cares for you a great deal. He told me you are good for him and "Lauren melts my heart". He has never said that about anyone else. Love makes one vulnerable, which can be scary. I don't want to be a nosy Mom, but I am sometimes. I've noticed that you have seemed unhappy lately, and I know Trent was last night. I don't know what has happened, nor do I need to. I'm just hoping you two can communicate and work things out if possible. Please know that we love and care about you too Lauren."
AWKWARD!!!!
Last weekend we had a pretty good weekend, minus the fact that I had to work on Saturday. Btw, did you see the video of me yelling "vote" that's on my FB and in an email I sent out? I went to church with him and had dinner at his fam's house like I usually do on Sundays, and then he came over and slept at my place. It was nice. And I hope that we managed to convince his mom to stop worrying. If anyone should worry about us, it's us, not her.
So like I said, Idk what's going on with us. He is so sweet to me, spoils me rotten, etc. I came home after work yesterday to find a huge bouquet of flowers (that he'd purchased at the Wednesday market while I was at work) waiting on my dining table. It was such a sweet surprise. He's always giving me foot rubs and that kind of stuff. But then there are times when I'm worried about us...like when he decides to go out of town for 4 days w/o telling me about it, and I only find out by happenstance. *sigh* Idk.
But I definitely think that things will calm down after this weekend (or maybe after Tuesday, after my interview). That is my hope.
Thursday, 25 June 2009
-
I am so pissed and stressed right now.
Work is sucking the life out of me. It's crunch time, near the end of session, and I'm feeling it....HARD.
I am so tired all the time, and my diet is poor because of lack of time/energy. I'm surviving off of carbs and sugar, essentially.
Trent and I are not really getting to see each other because of the insane schedule. Actually, that's not true. We're not getting to see each other because he is a space case. He had an emergency suit so that he could spontaneously spend the night w/o having to go all the way back home in the morning (because he lives across town from me, and I live close to the Capitol). We were supposed to hang out yesterday but we both got out of session really late and he ended up being at work until midnight so that was clearly not going to work out. So we decided he would spend the night with me tonight instead. I was excited about it, for a number of reasons. Well guess what? He for some reason had decided to wear his emergency suit today. And hadn't brought another suit for tomorrow. And he tells me this when it's already 10pm. And so he decides that he needs to go home instead of staying over. Well fuck that.
You're probably like, "What is the big deal? Clearly you were spending time with him prior to him going home." Except that I wasn't. I found out about a job opening at the MOHL, only the closing date is TOMORROW. So I was hurriedly trying to work on my cover letter and resume and app and stuff. I was rushing so that I could spend time with him before going to sleep. And then as soon as I'm done and ready to spend time with him, he leaves. WTF?
And on top of it all I'm house-sitting and that is problematic when a dog is involved. My hours + a dog needing to pee every so often = HUGE problem.
I am not doing so great right now, but I needed to vent because I was lying in bed angry and that means not being able to fall asleep.
Somebody shoot me, put me in a coma, and wake me up when the session is over.
Monday, 15 June 2009
-
~*~ Stupid Girl ~*~
[written 6/12/09]Yeah...I think that I'm getting dumber with age instead of smarter. That's a scary thought. Last night I did something so incredibly stupid...twice. I'm trying to undo it, but there's only so much I can do right now (cuz I'm stuck at work, etc.).
Work is starting to kill me. My feet hurt so bad, and it's a constant ache (like even when I wake up in the morning, my feet are hurting). I'm sure I'm going to develop plantar fascitis or something. Our sessions are getting longer and longer, and we are having more and more of them (yesterday we had three in one day). It's rough. I even bought new shoes that are supposed to be more comfortable, but I guess my feet are so far gone that no shoes are comfortable anymore (standing w/o really moving for 5 hours a day really stinks).
On top of that, the higher level of stress is bringing out the worst in people, namely the higher ups. I got yelled at by Stacia for something that was a complete misunderstanding and not even anything that I did wrong. It ruined my day. I almost didn't go to the sine die (end of the legislative session) party. Fortunately, the universe conspired to change my mind. I ended up going with Trent, the food was good, the skit was somewhat funny, and then I got to bring Trent home with me, where he gave me a foot rub. Ahhh.
But last night we had the talk about kids. OMG. He always talks about how he loves kids, so I naturally assumed that he wanted kids. Apparently I was wrong. He loves other people's kids, but he gets annoyed if around them for too long. BUT...we're talking and he tells me, "Okay, don't freak out, but I never wanted kids but then I met you and you melted my heart in regards to that, and I would totally father your children." Oh my. It was a very interesting conversation. We both agreed, however, that we are not ready for children any time in the near future (thank god).
[6/15/09]
What a weekend. From Friday afternoon until almost midday on Sunday I was with Trent. Saturday we went to the beach...Newport, Lincoln City, and Pacific City. We climbed partway up the dune and had a gorgeous view of the sea, then we built a little fire at the base of the cliff and roasted marshmallows and hotdogs. It was a first for me...and totally awesome. My only complaint is that the beach was not very secluded/private... *wink*
But even if any kind of physical intimacy was out of the question, emotional intimacy was very present. We got onto a dangerous topic : marriage. It seems like all day we'd been talking about it in one form or another (his mom discussing the marriages of her daughters, him talking about the marriage of his friends, etc.), and so I finally asked him why he'd never been married. He responded, "I'm scared of marriage. Didn't you know it's the number one cause of divorce?" I had to laugh at that one. But I asked him if he always imagined that things would end badly, or end, period. He said yes. I was like, "Well that sucks." I just don't go into things thinking that they're going to turn out badly, you know? I like to have faith that things will work out for the best. Anyway, he then asked me if I would ever get married. I was like, "Of course! I WANT to!" He's like, "Really? You're not afraid of marriage?" I was like, "No." He's like, "That's cool." Long pause, then he asks, "So would you ever consider marrying an old, stubborn bachelor like me?" I had to laugh, then I said, "I would consider it." He didn't say anything after that, just squeezed me tighter and kissed me.
Later on as we were falling asleep the topic came up again and he said that he would consider marrying me if I could help him overcome his fear. That seemed like a weird condition, and yet totally logical at the same time. But I was like, "Uh...I don't know how to do that." He's like, "Just be patient with me." No problem. I have patience in abundance when it comes to THAT particular topic.
It's weird, though. He's already made several references to the future...our future. Last Tuesday was our one-month anniversary. I wasn't planning to make a big deal out of it (truth be told, I kind of forgot about it), but Monday night he calls me to remind me and asked if I wanted to hang out. Tuesday he brings me roses, lavendar, a gift bag, and a homemade card with a poem that he wrote himself. It was so sweet, and if I had it in front of me right now I would retype it for you. I almost cried. ANYWAY, it was a wonderful evening, and as we were falling asleep he told me that his dream was to grow old with me and sit on a park bench feeding the ducks and arguing about the little things that don't mean anything, like where I hid the remote. So he wants to grow old with me, but he's not entirely sold on the idea of marrying me. I'm not sure I'm okay with that. Frankie said that if there was one pearl of wisdom she could share with me, it would be not to get married (just to live together for life). But I really like the idea of marriage, and I'm not sure I would want to emotionally invest in a guy who doesn't necessarily want to make that kind of commitment to me (out of fear that the marriage would fail, which doesn't show a lot of faith in me or us or himself). Anywho, it's way too early to get worked up about this, but that's the latest scoop.
Work is super stressful, long hours, feet hurt. There is the possibility that we will be ending early, and I actually kind of hope that this is the case. There is also the possibility that Trent and I will be taking a trip to Hawaii in July, but that is not set in stone. Just know that there are tons of happenings in the world of Lauren.
Saturday, 06 June 2009
-
Ear Orgasm : "When the Wrong One Loves You Right" - Celine Dion
Mask of the Moment : Unsure
Sorry for the lack of updates. Here's a brief recap :
Last week Friday I babysat and took Evan to see this musical with an 80s soundtrack at Chemeketa. It was actually pretty good, all things considered. But I ended up being there way too late, because the rents didn't come home until after 1:30 am (and I'd been up since 5:30 the day before, not to mention that I hadn't gone to bed until 2am cuz Trent stayed over Thursday night). I was zonked.
Saturday I got a haircut and went up to P-town to visit Chris. We happened upon this parade from the Rose Festival, which was a nice surprise. I like unexpected things.
This last week was kind of hellish at work. Lots of tension in the office...it's that time of session. I barely saw Trent at all this week, too. He stayed over on Monday night, and then we basically only saw each other at work until Friday (though we did have a lot of phone time this week, and that made me happy).
Friday he took me home after work and then took me to his friend Valerie's house for a massage that he had arranged for me. It was nice. And then we had dinner and watched a movie. And he stayed over, which was nice. I like it when he stays. This morning we got a late start (despite the fact that we woke up at about 7). Went to the Saturday market, Costco (where we ran into David...awkward!), and stopped by his house to get stuff. I chatted with his mom, which was fun. I really like her. Then we went grocery shopping because he's going to cook me dinner tonight. Yea!
But here's the thing. There are some issues. He treats me like a queen, he is the sweetest guy ever, I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me, but there are some issues. And try as I might to convince myself that these issues will go away, I am not sure. These are things that he needs to work out, and I can't do anything about it except let him know how I feel about it and hope that his love for me is enough. There was actually some crying involved, if you can believe it (on his part, not mine), because he is so scared of losing me (according to him). Part of me wonders if I'm just being an idiot and setting myself up, or if I just love him that much and have major faith in him. Idk...
This is an issue because it has become extremely obvious that he is thinking long-term. The other week he asked me if I would consider moving to Bend. Today he was talking about how we hadn't talked about kids yet. Uhhhh....yeah. We haven't talked about them because they are a non-issue at this point. But clearly it's something in the back of his mind.
*sigh* Idk, folks. Really kind of heavy. But I'm dealing with it. And I'm absolutely dreading having to go back to work this week.
Weblog
Tuesday, 07 July 2009
-
~*~ The 4th and Fireworks ~*~
Ear Orgasm : "Falling In Love At a Coffee Shop" - Landon Pigg
Mask of the Moment : Relieved and anxious at the same time
I hope you all had a good 4th of July weekend. Mine was fairly decent. Hanging out with Anati was pretty awesome. Margaritas, homemade black bean and roasted corn salsa, girl talk, two games of Scene It (which I totally dominated!), parades, fireworks, deep-fried twinkies...pure awesomeness. I also got nice and toasty in the summer sun.
But there was some pure un-awesomeness that followed. So remember how I mentioned that Trent decided to change his weekend plans and go to Bend for 4 days w/o telling me? Well not only that, but he pretty much didn't call me all weekend long. I left him a message on Friday, and he finally called at like 10:30pm on Saturday (and at the time I was at the Independence riverfront park and it was noisy and I couldn't really talk). But I knew he was coming back on Sunday night so I didn't freak out. Monday I wait until about noon, then give him a call. Voicemail. Huh? So I leave a message asking if he wanted to hang out that day. An hour and a half later I still haven't heard from him, so I call again. Voice mail. WTF? He finally calls me back at around 2pm and informs me that his brakes had gone out the day before and because it was Sunday and 4th of July weekend to boot, he couldn't get them fixed. So he'd gotten them fixed that morning and left Bend but had to drop his friend off in Eugene, which was where he was at the time of the call. Okay, fine. I get that. But the first thing that popped into my head was, "Why didn't you call me to let me know about your brakes and to tell me that you would be spending an extra night in Bend?" I didn't say anything, though. He asked if I wanted to come over for dinner at 6 and I was happy. You have no idea how excited I was to see him. I tried on a bunch of different outfits and did my makeup, the whole nine. Then I drive over to his house....at 10 minutes to 6 I'm about 4 blocks from his house and I get a call from him. He's like, "Hey, so I haven't left yet, so it'll probably be closer to 7:30." I'm like WTF?!?!? I was PISSED. It takes about an hour and a half to get to Salem from Eugene (especially with the way he drives, grampa style) and I was not about to drive all the way back home, then come back out to his house. Not to mention that it really annoyed me that he waited until 10 minutes to 6 to tell me that he wasn't going to be there. It's like DUDE...if you haven't left by 4:30, you know you're not going to be there. Call me THEN, not 10 minutes to the hour, you know? And it's not like there's anything to do in South Salem (where he lives)...there's a Walmart and that's about it. I was in tears as I drove to the Walmart, where I sat in the parking lot for about 30 minutes until I decided that I was just too pissed to see him. So I wrote him a note telling him that I wasn't going to wait and explaining how pissed I was at him, then went home.
7:39 he calls me to say he'd gotten my note. He wanted a chance to make it up to me but I was so mad. I was like, "I'm not going to go anywhere with you, I'm busy, I'm going to be here rehearsing for my interview and you can do whatever the hell you want." So he's like, "Well I'm going to take a shower and then come over, okay?" I couldn't say no, so I said, "Whatever." 40 minutes later he's still not there. I'm like WTF?! So I call...voicemail. I call 15 minutes later...voicemail. I call again at ten to 9 and he's still not answering so I leave a message telling him that if he hadn't already left home then he shouldn't even bother because it would be well past 9 by the time he got here and that's just pointless. I was pretty harsh, because I was so upset. A shower takes 10 minutes. It takes about 15 to 20 to get to my house. So what on earth could he possibly be doing?
He finally showed up at 9:30. He'd apparently forgotten his phone at home, or so he said. I ripped into him about how he could dare to make me wait an extra hour and a half when he was already in trouble for standing me up. He's like, "I wanted to look nice and smell nice for you." I snorted..."like I care about that right now." There was a lot of crying by both parties, him trying to explain and me not wanting to listen to that crap. But it hurt me to see him tear up...he totally has puppy dog eyes (even when he's not sad) and when they're filled with tears it's really hard to stay mad. I knew that the fight was really my fault, because I overreacted and chose to let my insecurities get the best of me. Not that he didn't have his part in it, but how I chose to react was not the best way. So after 40 minutes of crying and venting and talking, he totally made me laugh. I was pissed that I laughed/smiled, but I couldn't help it. I can't stay mad at him...it's a problem. And you know, he didn't even do or say anything to make me laugh...we were just sitting face-to-face, he was holding my hand, we were looking into each other's tear-filled eyes, and then all of a sudden I just laughed. Ridiculous, right?
Once we got out of the fight zone, he gave me a gift (the nail polish that I totally coveted because it looked so good on me), then asked if he could take me to dinner on Thursday. Thursday is our 2-month anniversary, and I think it's really cute how he doesn't say, "Hey let's do something on our anniversary" but just asks if he can take me out on that day. I'm excited. All I can say is that he'd better not disappoint me.
Now on to more important news : job interview. This morning I had my interview at the MOHL for the Circulation and Stacks Supervisor position. The good news : there were over 55 applicants and I was one of 3 people to get an interview, I knew and was on good terms with pretty much everyone on the search committee, I was fairly well-prepared for the interview (balking on only one question, and this was when I met with the university librarian and NOT when I was in front of the panel for the formal interview), I know for a fact that my references gave me rave reviews, and at the end when Joni walked me out she was like, "I think this went well." The bad news : Deborah Dancik told me that this year the applicant pool was really strong and that the three of us who got interviews were "the best of the best" so to speak (meaning that my competition is super tough). I have to wait until next week to find out whether or not I got the position. So far it seems like the odds are stacked in my favor, but you never know. *crossing fingers*
Thursday, 02 July 2009
-
~*~ Summer is Here ~*~
My job is finally officially over. I am so glad. Our session adjourned sine die on Monday, one day ahead of schedule. It was a loooooong day. I was at the Capitol from before 7am until after 11pm. Fortunately, we had Tuesday off. However, I was recruited by my boss to come in after session to clean up and the like. I was actually happy for the opportunity...I'm getting paid for 4 extra days. That'll be like $150 in my pocket for basically doing nothing. Totally cool. But today was my last day and so I am officially free of that job forever.
I've applied to two jobs. One I am not expecting to hear from for a while. I have an interview for the other next week. *crossing fingers* I honestly didn't expect to have an interview so fast, but I'm not complaining. Yes, I would have liked to have some down time this summer, but in this economy it is much more important to secure full-time, permanent employment, you know? I hope I get the job, but if I don't then I guess I'll just have to hope the other one comes through and I'll also need to keep searching for work.
This 4th of July weekend I am going to Monmouth, this super small town about 20 minutes from Salem. I'm hanging with Anati (pronounced Anna-tie)...it's going to be a blast. I'm really glad that I won't be a loser stuck at home alone like I was last year. And yes, I would have been alone if I hadn't made these plans with Anati, because Trent decided to skip town this weekend. Originally he was just going up to Portland, but last night I found out that he changed his plans and decided to go to Bend instead. And he left this morning. I guess I won't be seeing him until next week.
Things with Trent are...well, to be honest, I'm not sure how they are. There has been some drama, which I will not talk about here. Oh, and get this....the day after we had that argument about him leaving my house, I got a FB message from his mom. Yes, his mom searched for me on FB and sent me a message. It was rather long, most of it just general stuff, and then she got down to business at the end of the message.
"I know Trent cares for you a great deal. He told me you are good for him and "Lauren melts my heart". He has never said that about anyone else. Love makes one vulnerable, which can be scary. I don't want to be a nosy Mom, but I am sometimes. I've noticed that you have seemed unhappy lately, and I know Trent was last night. I don't know what has happened, nor do I need to. I'm just hoping you two can communicate and work things out if possible. Please know that we love and care about you too Lauren."
AWKWARD!!!!
Last weekend we had a pretty good weekend, minus the fact that I had to work on Saturday. Btw, did you see the video of me yelling "vote" that's on my FB and in an email I sent out? I went to church with him and had dinner at his fam's house like I usually do on Sundays, and then he came over and slept at my place. It was nice. And I hope that we managed to convince his mom to stop worrying. If anyone should worry about us, it's us, not her.
So like I said, Idk what's going on with us. He is so sweet to me, spoils me rotten, etc. I came home after work yesterday to find a huge bouquet of flowers (that he'd purchased at the Wednesday market while I was at work) waiting on my dining table. It was such a sweet surprise. He's always giving me foot rubs and that kind of stuff. But then there are times when I'm worried about us...like when he decides to go out of town for 4 days w/o telling me about it, and I only find out by happenstance. *sigh* Idk.
But I definitely think that things will calm down after this weekend (or maybe after Tuesday, after my interview). That is my hope.
Thursday, 25 June 2009
-
I am so pissed and stressed right now.
Work is sucking the life out of me. It's crunch time, near the end of session, and I'm feeling it....HARD.
I am so tired all the time, and my diet is poor because of lack of time/energy. I'm surviving off of carbs and sugar, essentially.
Trent and I are not really getting to see each other because of the insane schedule. Actually, that's not true. We're not getting to see each other because he is a space case. He had an emergency suit so that he could spontaneously spend the night w/o having to go all the way back home in the morning (because he lives across town from me, and I live close to the Capitol). We were supposed to hang out yesterday but we both got out of session really late and he ended up being at work until midnight so that was clearly not going to work out. So we decided he would spend the night with me tonight instead. I was excited about it, for a number of reasons. Well guess what? He for some reason had decided to wear his emergency suit today. And hadn't brought another suit for tomorrow. And he tells me this when it's already 10pm. And so he decides that he needs to go home instead of staying over. Well fuck that.
You're probably like, "What is the big deal? Clearly you were spending time with him prior to him going home." Except that I wasn't. I found out about a job opening at the MOHL, only the closing date is TOMORROW. So I was hurriedly trying to work on my cover letter and resume and app and stuff. I was rushing so that I could spend time with him before going to sleep. And then as soon as I'm done and ready to spend time with him, he leaves. WTF?
And on top of it all I'm house-sitting and that is problematic when a dog is involved. My hours + a dog needing to pee every so often = HUGE problem.
I am not doing so great right now, but I needed to vent because I was lying in bed angry and that means not being able to fall asleep.
Somebody shoot me, put me in a coma, and wake me up when the session is over.
Monday, 15 June 2009
-
~*~ Stupid Girl ~*~
[written 6/12/09]Yeah...I think that I'm getting dumber with age instead of smarter. That's a scary thought. Last night I did something so incredibly stupid...twice. I'm trying to undo it, but there's only so much I can do right now (cuz I'm stuck at work, etc.).
Work is starting to kill me. My feet hurt so bad, and it's a constant ache (like even when I wake up in the morning, my feet are hurting). I'm sure I'm going to develop plantar fascitis or something. Our sessions are getting longer and longer, and we are having more and more of them (yesterday we had three in one day). It's rough. I even bought new shoes that are supposed to be more comfortable, but I guess my feet are so far gone that no shoes are comfortable anymore (standing w/o really moving for 5 hours a day really stinks).
On top of that, the higher level of stress is bringing out the worst in people, namely the higher ups. I got yelled at by Stacia for something that was a complete misunderstanding and not even anything that I did wrong. It ruined my day. I almost didn't go to the sine die (end of the legislative session) party. Fortunately, the universe conspired to change my mind. I ended up going with Trent, the food was good, the skit was somewhat funny, and then I got to bring Trent home with me, where he gave me a foot rub. Ahhh.
But last night we had the talk about kids. OMG. He always talks about how he loves kids, so I naturally assumed that he wanted kids. Apparently I was wrong. He loves other people's kids, but he gets annoyed if around them for too long. BUT...we're talking and he tells me, "Okay, don't freak out, but I never wanted kids but then I met you and you melted my heart in regards to that, and I would totally father your children." Oh my. It was a very interesting conversation. We both agreed, however, that we are not ready for children any time in the near future (thank god).
[6/15/09]
What a weekend. From Friday afternoon until almost midday on Sunday I was with Trent. Saturday we went to the beach...Newport, Lincoln City, and Pacific City. We climbed partway up the dune and had a gorgeous view of the sea, then we built a little fire at the base of the cliff and roasted marshmallows and hotdogs. It was a first for me...and totally awesome. My only complaint is that the beach was not very secluded/private... *wink*
But even if any kind of physical intimacy was out of the question, emotional intimacy was very present. We got onto a dangerous topic : marriage. It seems like all day we'd been talking about it in one form or another (his mom discussing the marriages of her daughters, him talking about the marriage of his friends, etc.), and so I finally asked him why he'd never been married. He responded, "I'm scared of marriage. Didn't you know it's the number one cause of divorce?" I had to laugh at that one. But I asked him if he always imagined that things would end badly, or end, period. He said yes. I was like, "Well that sucks." I just don't go into things thinking that they're going to turn out badly, you know? I like to have faith that things will work out for the best. Anyway, he then asked me if I would ever get married. I was like, "Of course! I WANT to!" He's like, "Really? You're not afraid of marriage?" I was like, "No." He's like, "That's cool." Long pause, then he asks, "So would you ever consider marrying an old, stubborn bachelor like me?" I had to laugh, then I said, "I would consider it." He didn't say anything after that, just squeezed me tighter and kissed me.
Later on as we were falling asleep the topic came up again and he said that he would consider marrying me if I could help him overcome his fear. That seemed like a weird condition, and yet totally logical at the same time. But I was like, "Uh...I don't know how to do that." He's like, "Just be patient with me." No problem. I have patience in abundance when it comes to THAT particular topic.
It's weird, though. He's already made several references to the future...our future. Last Tuesday was our one-month anniversary. I wasn't planning to make a big deal out of it (truth be told, I kind of forgot about it), but Monday night he calls me to remind me and asked if I wanted to hang out. Tuesday he brings me roses, lavendar, a gift bag, and a homemade card with a poem that he wrote himself. It was so sweet, and if I had it in front of me right now I would retype it for you. I almost cried. ANYWAY, it was a wonderful evening, and as we were falling asleep he told me that his dream was to grow old with me and sit on a park bench feeding the ducks and arguing about the little things that don't mean anything, like where I hid the remote. So he wants to grow old with me, but he's not entirely sold on the idea of marrying me. I'm not sure I'm okay with that. Frankie said that if there was one pearl of wisdom she could share with me, it would be not to get married (just to live together for life). But I really like the idea of marriage, and I'm not sure I would want to emotionally invest in a guy who doesn't necessarily want to make that kind of commitment to me (out of fear that the marriage would fail, which doesn't show a lot of faith in me or us or himself). Anywho, it's way too early to get worked up about this, but that's the latest scoop.
Work is super stressful, long hours, feet hurt. There is the possibility that we will be ending early, and I actually kind of hope that this is the case. There is also the possibility that Trent and I will be taking a trip to Hawaii in July, but that is not set in stone. Just know that there are tons of happenings in the world of Lauren.
Saturday, 06 June 2009
-
Ear Orgasm : "When the Wrong One Loves You Right" - Celine Dion
Mask of the Moment : Unsure
Sorry for the lack of updates. Here's a brief recap :
Last week Friday I babysat and took Evan to see this musical with an 80s soundtrack at Chemeketa. It was actually pretty good, all things considered. But I ended up being there way too late, because the rents didn't come home until after 1:30 am (and I'd been up since 5:30 the day before, not to mention that I hadn't gone to bed until 2am cuz Trent stayed over Thursday night). I was zonked.
Saturday I got a haircut and went up to P-town to visit Chris. We happened upon this parade from the Rose Festival, which was a nice surprise. I like unexpected things.
This last week was kind of hellish at work. Lots of tension in the office...it's that time of session. I barely saw Trent at all this week, too. He stayed over on Monday night, and then we basically only saw each other at work until Friday (though we did have a lot of phone time this week, and that made me happy).
Friday he took me home after work and then took me to his friend Valerie's house for a massage that he had arranged for me. It was nice. And then we had dinner and watched a movie. And he stayed over, which was nice. I like it when he stays. This morning we got a late start (despite the fact that we woke up at about 7). Went to the Saturday market, Costco (where we ran into David...awkward!), and stopped by his house to get stuff. I chatted with his mom, which was fun. I really like her. Then we went grocery shopping because he's going to cook me dinner tonight. Yea!
But here's the thing. There are some issues. He treats me like a queen, he is the sweetest guy ever, I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me, but there are some issues. And try as I might to convince myself that these issues will go away, I am not sure. These are things that he needs to work out, and I can't do anything about it except let him know how I feel about it and hope that his love for me is enough. There was actually some crying involved, if you can believe it (on his part, not mine), because he is so scared of losing me (according to him). Part of me wonders if I'm just being an idiot and setting myself up, or if I just love him that much and have major faith in him. Idk...
This is an issue because it has become extremely obvious that he is thinking long-term. The other week he asked me if I would consider moving to Bend. Today he was talking about how we hadn't talked about kids yet. Uhhhh....yeah. We haven't talked about them because they are a non-issue at this point. But clearly it's something in the back of his mind.
*sigh* Idk, folks. Really kind of heavy. But I'm dealing with it. And I'm absolutely dreading having to go back to work this week.
MoOkIe
-
- Name: Emy
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 1/15/2002
